I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
