i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
