I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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