you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
