Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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