we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
