we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
