Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
