u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
