You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We have started to decorate penises.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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