I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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