My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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