Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Come share oat with me in your robe
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
