he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
