I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
