you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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