I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
