Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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