i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
