Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
