My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
