i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
