the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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