I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
