Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
