im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
