I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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