Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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