it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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