she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
