I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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