think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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