My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My vagina is officially offended.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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