I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
