you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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