More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish i was in the wii world.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
