i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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