you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
