Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
where am i from again
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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