eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
