fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
