You made me cry and you don't even care
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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