Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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