I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
