i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
