at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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