I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
