every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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