Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
my poor anus
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
