You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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